| Suggestions |
[May. 31st, 2008|12:36 am] |
My response to fellow weirdo ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) eamontoplease in his query to find new subjects worth elaborating on:
Write to enlighten. Write to educate.
I recommend noses.
Bring forth the often overlooked fact that they are the softest part of the body not considered an erogenous zone.
Personally, I like to poke at them and chew on them with my molars like they were a piece of beef jerky. I thump them with great vigor and rub them ever so gently when they are cold, because cold noses do a great impression of wet noses and, as everyone knows (nose), all parts of the body are better wet.
Animal noses are cool, too, because they are always wet. I rub them on my forehead and then stick them in my eye. It's more a compulsion than a fetish, but call them what you will; they're still chewable like Flinstones Vitamins.
But don't discuss the insides, because that's just gross. |
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| Void |
[Dec. 2nd, 2007|01:26 am] |
I was doing so good for so long. It seemed as though I always had some humorous, abstract thing to share with the world. But I guess that I have finally used up the 168 jokes that I have acquired over the last 33 years.
And regardless of the lack of ideas ideas, there isn't an audience anyway. People have moved on to the real life for their comments and friendships (finally!). Few are still stuck in the world of lies we refer to as the internet. No one reads this inane stuff anyway. And if you doubt it, you will surely be able to tell by the lack of comments left to this mindless drivel.
I could talk of the horizontally procreating squirrels again. Or perhaps the jealousy of Neil Diamond. Maybe even the unoriginal scent of hemorrhoid pads. But regardless, the words will fall upon the deaf ears of friends no longer available. Names stamped upon bio pages of a biography long since left behind.
And I'm not sad. I'm glad for each and every person that was awakened to the fact that real life surpasses anything that can be puked upon the wet-eared reader. Pleased that communication is done with the tone of voice and intensity of the eye's stare as opposed to capitalization and unreadable fonts.
The world has moved on. Ka is a wheel, and it is forever in motion, and I could not be more pleased that each turn picks up pieces of lives and brings them to another part of the timeline and once again introduces them to life. The real one away from the lightbulb we call a monitor.
So I'd like to thank everyone in advance for not reading, and say that I appreciate everyone that couldn't comment due to having life in their path.
I wouldn't have it any other way. |
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| The past a myth... |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|12:39 am] |
I have picture phone proof...the generations before me didn't know shit from shampoo...
The end of the rainbow wasn't a pot of gold. It was a freakin' Hyundai!
I should have known better...
Whatever... |
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| Belated observations |
[Aug. 21st, 2007|10:23 pm] |
Lately I have been lazy and inattentive to the audience that I am sure has left me for the most recent ethnic crazy on Comedy Central™. And forget the fact that I'm a Quarter Rican myself.
I'm a snob.
But even this snob can share those things that put extra wrinkles on my dick and extra shots of Southern Comfort in my glass.
- Stain and water-resistant pants aren't all that after all. Instead of the extra drops of urine soaking into your crotch, they shoot straight down the inside of the pants from your crotch all the way to the socks. People standing outside the men's bathroom don't know if I have a urine problem or crab infestation as I rub myself down from thigh to toe.
- Fast-food restaurants still don't have a clue. I just wanna be a regular fat American citizen and place my order. "Excuse me. EXCUSE ME! Yes. Thank you, minimum wages worker. I'll take a block of cheddar cheese. Sharp. To go. Minus the burger. Oh yeah, and a diet coke. To go. No! I SAID 'TO GO!' No, it's okay. Thanks."
- Don't ever stop shaving your balls. All you get is a freaky looking case of acne that reduces advertisement to the unwary.
- If taking shots of alcohol while watching Intervention doesn't give you guilt, you probably need to switch places with the BJ-giving bimbo on TV.
- Vodka is better when shared with a liver.
- Don't let the talk fool you. Just because your mommy says you're beautiful, it doesn't mean that you don't look like twice-healed canker sore.
- If you meet a girl that can fart and have it call out your name, you probably shouldn't consider anal sex, because it would simply be really weird oral sex with a small mouth and no teeth.
I'm sure there is more, but if I shared them now, then I wouldn't post again until November 17th, 2009. And my one remaining fan might give up and turn towards Kathy Griffin.
God forbid... |
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| I'll do what I damn well please |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|08:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  optimistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Radiohead - Blackstar (Acoustic) | ] |
I have recently been taking pride in my celibacy. Other than two kisses (both against my will) and one party foul of the penetration kind, I've been totally un-sluttish for almost a full 6 months. And while I was proud of myself for a while, all I have really learned is that no matter how hard I will it, my right hand won't lubricate itself, and I still don't have a better image than I once did. And here is where reality steps in.
There have been a couple of near-misses in the relationship field, some amazingly close. I still talk myself out of them, and allow other people into talking themselves out of it as well. But my life outside that 2 person entanglement doesn't really play a role in how that union turns out. So I have decided not to waste valuable time I'll soon take for granted. Whether I choose to be celibate or not fate will determine what my future holds, regardless of what I might or might not desire, so I'll do damned well what I please in the meantime.
I originally took upon this arduous task of celibacy because I finally got my self-esteem in check. And it's still totally there. I do just fine for myself, and I have no worries that all those things I want will fall into place with no effort on my part. But just because I have confidence in myself doesn't mean that I should turn down the freebees, because not only do I believe in myself, I also believe in the healing powers of the vagina, and am often reminded about how much warmer it's handshake is better than that of my own.
So starting next week, I'll be out and about doing all the things I can't talk about at work. I've already gotten the hair done and the eyebrows waxed. All is in place, and now I'm ready to take life by the vulva. |
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| Nice to meet you |
[Jan. 29th, 2007|10:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
Here lately I feel as though I'm totally losing myself. I've split into two pieces and been divided again unto myself. I see myself through a third-person view and I have no idea what Rob's doing anymore. It's not that I don't have things under control. But now I just kind of float through like heavy smoke. I'm leaving a stain as I fade away. I just want to be introduced to myself again. Shake my hand and say, "It's cool to finally meet you".
Because so far, I'm nothing more than rumor. |
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| Just found it |
[Dec. 12th, 2006|11:19 pm] |
I was cleaning out the ol' MS Outlook and ran across more poetry that I barely remember writing. The thing I always liked about finding stuff you don't recall creating is that you have more of an unbiased opinion, because it is like seeing it for the first time. It's like it wasn't even yours to begin with. And it promotes honesty.
I slept my day away
Images of drug dealing delinquencies and simple intelligence
Building the chip on my shoulder
I need new familiarity
and comfortable unconformity.
Invade my space with spoken words of unfamiliarity and wonder
that Melanie will not heed.
Indeed.
No one listens.
I fled, journeyed away from drunken reality that wasn't my own
I escaped nothing.
Elephants serenade me
light, brightened light that show the lack of reason for fear.
And I slept under poetry of bungled spice and witticism.
And it was good. |
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| Absent |
[Oct. 24th, 2006|02:07 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Bed | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Six Feet Under (It's weird watching it alone) | ] |
I had a friend e-mail me today reminding me how absent I have been on LJ lately. I told her about how I only post those things that other people might find interesting.
I normally don't talk about what I wore to work, or what I ate for lunch. I typically only test out my creative writings on you people, looking for the honest compliment, or even the "You gotta publish this shit" statement to coax my ego.
I had stuff planned to write for today, but now that the day is done, I feel more inspired to use this blog what it was truly intended for.
It's a journal to talk about my thoughts, my desires, and to release those things I feel that are in danger of making me explode if I don't voluntarily let them out on my own.
My best friend's father passed away this evening.
I knew him before he got sick.
I remember when he told his son and me how much of a cocksucker we both were. I remember when he proclaimed that we were both a couple of pussies.
I remember how he told us like it was out of love, trust, and the understanding that life is about the smiles you get out of putting your elbow in someone's funnybone to ensure the full attention that each of us deserves.
Pops made me happy. Pops made a definite impression.
And life is just a bit more empty now he's not here to remind me how I'm really a pussy after all.
Because he was totally right. Live it to the max today, because tomorrow you might not get to.
I actually had tears find their way to my cheeks. Not only because I loved Pops as family, but because it reminded me I'll be in my friend's shoes soon enough.
My true friends know my Mom's quite sick and has been for a while. Time is almost up. The earth will have it's moment of silence when it comes, way sooner that I would like.
But this isn't about me. It's about my best friend, and the way we both referred to him as though he were the father of the both of us: Pops.
I love you, you cocksucker.
And always will.
Sorry NY Babe, this wasn't the post you asked for.
But it's the truth.
Funny stories next post... |
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| Nothing interesting |
[Oct. 3rd, 2006|12:03 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pee-Wee's Playhouse | ] |
This is totally not me, but I no longer feel safe sharing all the parts of my interesting life. I almost feel like some things are sacred. I guess being something of a public whore makes one more critical of sharing one's conquests, especially since the other people that helped to make me a whore tend to view this site.
It was easy when I was devoted to one person, but here lately, the world is mine. I actually turn down more than I accept. And I still get waaayyy more than my share.
Life is weird.
Tonight I went out for some drinks, met other friends, and had a killer time. And for once, didn't go home with a woman.
That's the first time in like...2 days.
And I totally contribute it to me not trying, not to me not being able to. Because here lately, if there is a possibility, I make it happen. I don't know where Super Mack Rob has been for the last 32 years, but he has definately been making an appearance lately. And it's honestly nice to know where I stand, who I can get, and, most importantly, what I deserve.
For right now, I just don't know what I want more...to continue to get free booty, to take the playa role to keep girls chasing me without the follow-through, or to settle down with someone that actually really cares about me and a girl that I totally feel the same way about.
It's tough, but all I know is that I haven't met the one that really puts the rest of the world on hold (although there have been 2 girls that made me think, and a third that I don't know how to get a hold of), so until then, ladies...
...I'm still your whore... |
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| Breaking Tradition |
[Sep. 22nd, 2006|11:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home, for once | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | Not really sure | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Nip/Tuck in the background | ] |
My decision...
No Halloween party.
The last party I was at was a total mess. Breaking up fights. Getting into fights. Getting thrown up on. Thieves. Moochers. Drama. Effort. Money.
Forget all that.
You all can have it. I can go out, have just as much fun elsewhere and then not worry about cleaning up before and after.
I used to want to throw the party because I would get to be the top guy for a night. But I've learned that it doesn't take a party to be that guy. I'm pretty much always the man.
And that's that. |
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| Far too late |
[Sep. 13th, 2006|02:21 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Finally home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Futurama | ] |
I'm still the man. Nice to know I still got it.
It's late, I'm drunk, and I gotta get up in 3 1/2 hours.
Tomorrow will suck, but I wouldn't take it back for all the Southern Comfort in the world.
And on another note, some friends of mine rented out the VIP suite in the place next door to Campeche Bay in Jax Beach for a multiple birthday party this Saturday. Full bar, pool table, kegs, and tons of people. Good times are ahead. Interested? Comment, and I'll get you info.
And on the last note of the night...
85% chance that I won't have the Halloween party. Details to follow... |
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| I barely keep up |
[Aug. 25th, 2006|09:33 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Played - Mindless Self Indulgence | ] |
The last few weeks have been nuts. Both my inbox and my cell phone have been getting blown up. I've been offered everything from vagina to free concert tickets. It's nice to know I still got it. But specifically, what's been going on with Rob?
Musically:
I jammed with an ol' school friend in the studio, motivated the hell out of me. So now I practice a good 2 hours a day on the drums. Broke 3 drum sticks in a 4-day period. I rock.
Wrote another new song. One of the few I'm actually proud of. I plan on recording a final copy over the weekend. I anticipate that in the next 2 months, I'll have about 8 songs to record for my own album. There's plenty more, just not enough worthy of public attention.
I also quit my job @ Tijuana Flats. In about 2 weeks, I'll apply at the two Harmonious Monks in Jax for a job. I'm excited, but just wanna catch my breath before I tie up all my free time again.
Socially:
I'm about to have to get a new cell plan, people call me so often, my minutes are going to go over. But I tolerate it because it's usually women. It's great to be reminded of how much you game you really have. I now make it a habit to carry protection. I seem to get molested a lot.
Work:
Fuck work! I HATE those bastards!! The only thing I have to look forward to is meeting w/Beka for lunch Monday. I love non-fat chicks.
The present:
You nosey bastards! I'm going to drink with a shitload of lonely women in about 20 minutes. And that's all I'm saying.
If you wanna hear the rest, then you better check out Penthouse Forum in the near future.
=)
Type to you later, you shy bastards. |
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| Apologies |
[Aug. 6th, 2006|10:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home, for once | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Theme to Luckie Louie | ] |
Dear fans -
Please forgive me for the lack of entertainment I have provided as of late. I used to be able to conjure up stories of Neil Diamond, masturabatory misadventures, poetic poetry and the like.
However for the last several months I've been quite sober and happy.
It's really hard to be deep and abstract when things are going appropriately right.
I never knew creativity was the ejaculate of Southern Comfort.
- Rob |
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| Packing again |
[Jul. 14th, 2006|08:59 pm] |
I'm getting awfully tired. I've done sooo much traveling that it's making me dizzy. I'm in need of a break.
Since last October, I've been to:
- Las Vegas
- West Virginia for some Snowboarding
- Atlanta
- Ohio
- Tampa
- Ginnie Springs (Lake City/Gainesville)...twice
- Tallahasse
- Camping near the Jetties
- Palatka
Now I'm packing to leave for Georgia again for the weekend. I love adventure. I love staying busy. I like having these cool things to do with such killer people. I'm just sooo worn out. And I'll probably be leaving again in about 3 weeks for another extended weekend to Tampa, and camping at my cabin in Keystone Heights 2 weeks after that.
At least all this traveling is keeping me fit.
The six-pack is showing with minimal exercise.
So I guess I shouldn't complain.
Oh yeah...here's your 3 months' notice...Halloween party once again coming up in October.
And I get to stay home! |
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| A Lack of Censorship |
[Jun. 30th, 2006|03:45 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Under the covers | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | pleased | ] |
| [ | music |
| | A Family Guy I haven't seen! | ] |
My posts of late have been lackluster, to say the least.
So I masturbated over some whippits and my trusty Pizza Hut shirt.
Life is good. |
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| Un-freakin-believable! |
[Jun. 11th, 2006|09:02 pm] |
| [ | Tags | | | stolen! | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Only the sound of me grinding my teeth | ] |
I picked up my car from the body shop yesterday. All is well. And in less than 24 hours, some thieving asshole took it upon himself to break into my car and gank my stereo.
At least he was nice enough to take out the cd that was in the player before he sold it for a 6-pack of Nat Light and a pack of smokes. |
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| Update |
[Jun. 5th, 2006|08:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
Here is a quick update to my last post
I love public records |
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| Finally...something worth reporting |
[Jun. 4th, 2006|09:41 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | wrecked | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sore | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Theme to Benson | ] |
Everyone over the age of 5 should know their alphabet, regardless whether you are illiterate or dyslexic.
Shannon McCarthy, age 27, is the exception.
Last I checked, the letter "V" does not come before "J". Nor is "Z" not the last letter in the alphabet.
However, that is how she recited it to the officer that was administering her the field sobriety test after rearending me last night.
My car held up remarkably well. Hers? Totaled. That almost makes me feel better.
The airbags deployed and the car was filled with smoke and when I saw how bad the damage was I went into superhero mode yanking drunk people out of the car like a clepto with Twix bars. The one passenger shrunk down and started screaming, "Don't hit me!" and for the first time ever, I wasn't actually filled with road rage, just concern. But it did kinda tickle me that he thought I was going to start swinging at him for hitting me.
I'm debating going to the ER...nice, irregular lump and bruise on my right forearm, but there was nothing that I could have bumped into. Can't tell if I fractured it, or it's just a bundling of the muscle. I'm only nervous because the pain isn't normal, and what else could it be seeing as how I didn't hit it on anything. It was the only arm holding the steering wheel, and I sit way back so my arm was straight at the time of the impact. So I dunno, if it doesn't get better by midafternoon, I'll drive down there.
Happy Sunday to me. |
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| Too early!! |
[May. 11th, 2006|04:47 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
I'm in the airport. It is 4:47 am. I'm hungry and there is no Southern Comfort to be found.
Breakfast can't come early enough. |
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