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Robzilla

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And the numbers keep growing [Mar. 27th, 2016|10:00 pm]
Robzilla
Sooo...add three more to the list of persons who have passed away. All three in the last eight days. What the fuck, fate??
You know, I've worked hard. Really, really hard to get my shit together. I cut back on the drinking, the drugs, the negativity and have been trying to make a life for myself. Optimism and the knowledge that you get out what you put in makes it easier to achieve your goals. Much of it is working out quite swimmingly. But this shit right here??
How do you expect me to NOT be cynical when you pull that many awesome individuals from the planet just so we can bury them beneath it.
I can't, I just...can't anymore.
I get so scared that the next one will be someone close. Just so close that I can't bare it.
I used to live in such a dark time when I didn't feel like being here and I'd start to take actual steps to see that it happened. So close, but I always made the right decision at the last second and would save my own life. Those days are gone, and in the last decade I only spoke about it because it felt better to talk about it than to start doing it in silence. That's when it's scary because it isn't for attention; it's for real. But if the world keeps on shitting on me, then I get nervous that I'll revert back to that lost kid from 1997 and start the process again.
I'm not there, not even close so no cause for alarm. But it does scare me. Any one loss is devastating, but you can work through it because it's life. It starts, and it ends. However if you see that end happen so fucking often in such a short period of time you start to wonder, "Why not me, too? It's easier than dealing with this shit".
And it almost makes sense because you know it's going to happen anyway. It becomes the norm.
So now that I am not suicidal, this shit happens and it makes me scared that I'll die anyway. These last three - all good people - dead. Just here one day and laughing, then cold and blue the next.
Yes it can happen to me.
And I'm scared, really scared it will. I finally want to live and enjoy my life and I think I'm going to die anyway. Call it irony, coincidence, or whichever is actually correct but it's all the same. That's just how life works.
So let me say this to fate while I still have the chance:
Fuck you.
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(no subject) [Mar. 8th, 2016|06:48 pm]
Robzilla
I'd like to try my hand at the teachings of Bob Ross and those that aspire to BE Bob Ross. The way I see it, it can go two ways: 1) I can do what he says:
"So you mix this shit with that shit and do this shit" and it will look like his shit.
This is the selling point made by him and those of his elk.
Or:
"So you mix this shit with that shit and do this shit" and it will look like a newborn infant shit his green diarrhea all over the canvas. This is my brain's perception of reality.

The truth is somewhere in the middle. Is it 60/40? 80% yes, and 20% no? Ninety-nine percent perfect as opposed to one percent oops?
I'll never know unless I try.

OMG! Did I really just write about how my brain came to the decision that I should take up on-line painting classes?
I must be old. And bored.
Really, really, really bored.
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Warped reality [Mar. 8th, 2016|06:15 pm]
Robzilla
So it's bad enough that your soul starts feeling so heavy. Then to make it worse I'm supposed to explain everything to someone else just to make THEM feel better about ME not feeling any better. Sometimes when written out, that shit just doesn't make sense.
Feelings suck.
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The Older I Get [Mar. 6th, 2016|03:36 pm]
Robzilla
I'm aware that as I grow older in years and the number of acquaintances grows, I'll also start to lose more of the people I care about. This I accept.
Five in the last year? Un-fucking acceptable.
Four in the last three months? Fuck off, fate!
Some I was quite close with, some I barely knew. But as the number grows so fast that you can't seem to heal from the last - it just seems that I myself am bleeding to death.
I just feel these huge waves of pain and depression that pour out of me, and I keep getting weaker and weaker. More empty. More scared. More cold.
So now it seems easier to tune out and turn off. Closed. Done. Let life pass me by while I remain uninvolved.
If I only knew how.
Oh. Yeah. Wait...
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Just happened. [Jan. 31st, 2016|07:41 pm]
Robzilla
[Tags|, , ]
[Current Location |Home]
[music |Stone Temple Pilots - Army Ants]

I just tried to text someone to say, "Smoking some, and drinking more" and it auto-corrected to, "Stoning some, and drinking more" and I though to myself, "Even better, how awesome!!" but then remembered I was OCD so I fixed it anyway.
~ Twenty-second stories from Rob Stokes
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An estitute observation [Jan. 4th, 2015|02:45 pm]
Robzilla
[Tags|, ]
[mood |annoyedannoyed]

Icecubes, man. They get in the way. Quit keeping me from my liquid!
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Place and Time [Aug. 16th, 2014|11:14 pm]
Robzilla
Order, the order
is never in order
The order, the order
always out of order
the time, the place
the memory of a face
the call away is only a quarter

Reality, reality
so hard to see
reality, the reality
things as they should be
The hope, the dream
regardless of what they seem
is just a lesson in futility

why'd it take so long
and fucking go oh so wrong
when I only wanted to get it right
Why'd it have to crush my soul
and let those years take their toll
just to find the time'll never be just right.
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!!! [Aug. 6th, 2014|03:23 am]
Robzilla
[Tags|, , , , , ]
[mood |anxiousanxious]
[music |The Song Remains The Same live 6/21/77]

I've said this here and there, but I'd like to make it official - This is no longer a forum for me to entertain others; it's the journal it was intended to be. This is for me. I'll keep it open for others to find a common chord, or to possibly just to find the enjoyment in other people's lives. And if there is joy, laughter, and entertainment, then even better. But in the end, it's my private journal - I just chose to leave the key out for big brother.

The disclaimer: When I post something, it's not always how I feel all the time, or even my mood on any specific day as I walk around the planet earth. It's just how I feel when a keyboard is thrust upon me. So if it's sappy, don't think I got all feministicaly weak. Or if it's Trent Reznorishly depressing that I'm suicidal. Sometimes I just gotta get shit out and if I'm drinking, that outflow goes from a trickle to a fountain, raining on everyone and everything in any proximity of me in an extreme drama that even Ricki Lake doesn't want anything to do with.

So in short, don't be alarmed, it's just Rob. Armed with SoCo.

So for as how I feel today? Damn - I'm over the bad news. Per my previous post, my Dad had his kidney removed due to a cancerous 2lb tumor, and it scared the shit out of me. So badly that I couldn't even admit it to myself until I got drunk and in front of a computer. I actually had to find out about how I really felt by getting an emailed comment about the post I didn't remember writing from two days earlier. Fortunately test results seem positive at this point. So I'll move on.

The other, worse news, comes from last Saturday morning. We had surprised a friend by flying her in to celebrate her bachelorette party here in Dallas since her two bridesmaids recently moved here, and she was considering it herself. But early on her 2nd day we ran across problems. I got a call from Jenn's mom (my wife's mother) just screaming, "Where is Jenn? Uh...her Daddy's dead. Can you find her? I need you to tell her."

!!!

Totally unexpected death. I'd already spend all morning nursing her back from a puke-inducing hangover and finally got her back to sleep when I got this call. Her mother and I agreed that she didn't need to hear this over the phone, so this fell upon me. I called Kym over and before I could speak (the horribly huge lump held me back) Kym started freaking out asking me what was wrong. I was standing outside myself at the time and remember trying to tell myself not to faint, because God knows I felt close to doing so. I don't know whether it was my being pale white, blood purple, or just shaking like a leaf that told her something was wrong, but she knew things were bad. Real bad. I told her the news and asked if she wanted to be there when I told Jenn.

She said she needed to be there and we went in. I woke her up and asked Jenn to sit up. I was having serious trouble keeping the poker face. I know because she straight up told me, "You're scaring me".
And I just told her:
I'm so, soooo sorry. But your Dad passed away last night. I'm sooo sorry.
And her reply caught me off guard, "Oh. You scared me for a minute. I though you were going to say was my Grandma."

Again... !!!!!

So far, she hasn't broken. At this point the most I can get out of her is about how guilty she feels for not feeling more.
Right now everything is business.
But eventually the cracks will show (they're starting to), and she will fall, sooo far that I'm not sure I'll know how to catch her.
God knows I want to catch her...but how? It's such a far place to fall from...will it crush us both?

I simply don't know how to save my wife from the fall and hurting herself. But isn't that my role as husband? To protect her and keep her from harm?
I'm getting ready to fucking fail her, and right now the anticipation alone has me upside down. And I swear, I'm not trying to make this about me.

In her delusional state she booked tickets to get back for the memorial - and got the dates wrong. It is, after all, hard to see though wet, hungover eyes. And who could blame her?
PriceLine, that's who.

After I paid for two trips home for my Dad's issue (the first failed, again PriceLine's fault but won't refund) and then the two to get her home (can't get the original incorrectly booked trip reimbursed yet) I'm far more broke than I've been in nearly 20 years. Six flights in two weeks will do that to you.

And I can't help but remember that problems come in threes - and I've only seen two.

Fuck, I'm soooo not prepared for the third. Please fate, please don't let me falter. It's not just about me anymore. I have a family, and I can't let them down.
I'm the man - the head of the household - and I'm scared I'm gonna break.

I have to prevail.
Please let me prevail.
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Summary [Jul. 31st, 2014|03:01 am]
Robzilla
[Tags|, , , ]

You know, the most depressing thing is the fact that I no longer believe in suicide.
Depressing because regardless of everything else...it is the only real thing you have control over - your own life.
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And older still [Jul. 31st, 2014|02:55 am]
Robzilla
[Tags|, , , , , , , ]

I don't share this with too many people, but I used to have a serious debate with myself as to whether I should continue to be here or not.
And I decided that I shouldn't be negative towards those things I don't know, and optimistic towards those things same things.
But maybe I was wrong.
I'm not in a place where I feel like cashing in my chips is a viable option, but I certainly will scream my destain for those things in which I chose to hang around for...
I get old. Fragile. Weak. Always in pain.
Yeah, bummer. But the real issue is with those I care about so much about.
I chose to live so I can see my father die.
This is my fucking gift?
I can't handle that.
If this is my reward, why shouldn't I be selfish?
I can't out-maneuver cancer.
...or can I?
Yes I can, I can beat it to the same damned trigger.
Then it's the same result that happens, but at least I won't have to deal with it.

I just don't get why we want to be old.
The dick don't get hard, the muscles don't handle the housework, the looks don't impress the opposite sex, and you end up as ignorant as you did the day you were born.

You only hang around to recognize those who have it worse than you.

well, I don't wanna play anymore.
Infield, outfield, who gives a shit? I don't even like sports.
I don't wanna see my heroes prove to me that they're not anything more than false illusions and fairy tales. Gimmicks of hope.
Proving to me that there are no reasons to believe that there is something to believe in.
Because there is not.
There is only torture, pain, false hope, and death.
All I've learned is that all you can believe in is the inevitable: Life and death.
And I can't believe this is what I survived for.
I don't wanna live, but can't afford to die...so I'll just keep looking for that middle ground.
Even though I know that it doesn't exist.

But one day I will decide, because I know it is just about the only thing I know I have a decision over.
And then my only regret will have been the decision to wait so long, because death is inevitable anyway.
And I could have escaped the pain.
And then I only need wonder why I'm here today. Since in the end, I'll be dead anyway.

Other than taxes, it's the only thing one can really be sure of.
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